Adolescent Group

Each month a few young men graduate from the male adolescent group. On graduation night, the young men who are ready to graduate do a presentation on how they’ll be able to tell when they are getting angry and how they will put their self-control plan into action. They also talk with the group about how they are taking responsibility for their abuse and how their actions have affected the person(s) to whom they were abusive. 

 

If their presentations are successful, they participate in the graduation ritual by selecting a rock that reminds them of themselves from a collection of different rocks. They then say why they selected that rock.  Next, the rock is passed around and each member of the group puts a good wish into the rock for the graduating member.

 

In a recent graduation ceremony, three young men all successfully completed their presentations. The young men then each carefully selected a rock. The first young man said he picked his rock because it had a crack down the center. He said that the crack in the rock appeared to be healing, and would continue to grow together over time. The second young man said that he picked a rock with lots of dents and bumps that looked like it had been knocked around a lot. He said that even though the rock looked funny, it actually is okay just the way it is. The third young man said that he picked his rock because it looked like it was stained.  He said he learned that you can’t wash away a stain all at once, but that over time and with work, that stain continues to fade. 

 

In another graduation ceremony, a street-wise young man picked a heart-shaped rock. He said he picked it because even though people may not know it when they look at him, he actually is someone with a lot of heart.  He then cried as he spoke about how much it had meant to him to be able to have a group of other young men with whom he could let down and be himself.

 

Phillip

Phillip came to DAP’s Men’s Program with a long history of involvement in the criminal justice system. Having been referred here by the court after assaulting his girlfriend, he was unenthusiastic about starting group; not really believing he belonged here or that it would help. During his intake with a counselor, he talked about the violence he had seen in his home and his neighborhood while he was growing up. He had been arrested for assault on several occasions.

 

Slowly, Phillip began participating in the education sessions. When he started his process group he really opened up to the other men and the counselors. With the help of the other group members and the group leaders, he began understanding the connection between his behavior and the violence he had seen throughout his life. He started to see the ways he could take responsibility for his actions and choose to behave differently.

 

After his last group at DAP, Phillip asked to speak to one of the counselors privately. He told her that he was amazed that he had learned so much about himself in the group. Crying, and said that before this group he had never hoped for a better life. He said that DAP gave him both a clear plan for changing his life and hope for his future.  

 

Kelly

Kelly came to DAP with her mom and her sister when she was four years old. She and her sister had witnessed her father had been very abusive to her mother and, during the divorce, had been kidnapped by him. Kelly was very afraid of people and hid behind her older sister all the time. At first, Kelly was too afraid of her therapist to go into the play therapy room. For the first few weeks, the therapist and Kelly had their sessions in the lobby near her mom. They eventually moved to the stairs that lead to the play therapy room and, finally, Kelly trusted the therapist enough to have her sessions in the play therapy room.

 

Children's Therapists often ask their clients to draw a self-portrait and a picture of their family. This helps the therapist to assess the child's sense of themselves and their position in the family. It is also helpful in determining the structure of the family. Kelly's first self-portrait was not of herself, but of her sister. Her drawing of her family did not include her. During the play therapy, she wasn't very engaged, waiting for the therapist to choose the activity, and she was very hesitant to talk about what had happened at home. Kelly started the Children's Group several months later. Since siblings are not placed in the same groups, she was not with her sister. She was very quiet at first, but as the group progressed, she made friends and started talking much more about the violence she had seen and her fear of her father. When group finished, she continued to see a therapist for individual play therapy. In the final session, the therapist again asked her to draw a self-portrait and family picture. This time, Kelly drew a beautiful picture of herself and in the family picture, she was the largest figure.

 

Evelyn

When Evelyn joined DAP’s senior women advocacy support group, facilitated by advocateVerilea, she was too nervous to speak. On a few occasions she began to talk about what was happening in her home, but was unable to continue through the tears. For many weeks she just came to the group, sat, and listened to the other women tell of the violence in their lives and how they were working to stay safe.

 

Slowly Evelyn began to tell her story. A little mention of her son here, talk about being hurt there, until, eventually, it all came out. He son, who lived in her home, was abusing her regularly. She was unable to stay safe and felt helpless to get him to leave. He hurt her when she asked him to get a job, when she mentioned him moving out and at countless other occasions.

 

With the help and support of the other members in the group, and the assistance of the DAP advocate, Evelyn began to feel hopeful about her future. At the suggestion of a group member, she arranged to have her daughter help her around the house a few days each week to reduce her dependence on her son. Evelyn got the name of an agency that could help her son find a job and housing. Finally, all of the group members helped Evelyn to talk about her safety, her feelings and her fears and supported her through the whole process.

 

Evelyn is now living alone in her own home. Her son has found housing and she is no longer fearful of him hurting her. Evelyn continues to attend DAP’s senior women advocacy support group and even attended the DAP Transforming Families luncheon.

 

This poem was written by a client in the Women’s Program

Let my tears go down my face.  Help me to heal, to be free from the screams.  My head swollen from the fist of another man. "You are a tramp ass ho" as I sped off and call 911.  I sit in front of the hospital waiting for the people who are here to serve and protect. 20 minutes later with no cherries glowing an officer arrives who believes in me, and says, "I will get this bad guy."  24 hours and there’s no hope.  I awake from very little sleep and go on with my day - like every other day. My head throbs and my car is keyed like an ice skater figure 8.  I won’t let this bad boy back in my life.  I swear on my life.  Two weeks go by and I act as someone’s beaten wife - the flowers come with candlelight. My head hurts. This time he’ll change; I will make sure it’s different this time.  Then come the fights. I grab the phone to call the police, trying to leave.  He stands in front of my door.  He may be little but he sure can put up a fight.  With no more hope to show I give into another fight.  He promises to make a change - days, months go by and of course everything is still all the same.  I pray to my higher power, "Make this all go away."  But I continue to put up my fist and fight.  I push all my friends away because of the shame.  My phone rings and it is my mom.  I lie to her that my ex is out of sight.  I do things I never thought I would do. I lie, cheat, and steal to survive with everything.  I have an OFP.  What good does a piece of paper do, anyway?  He tells me his friends will kill me if he goes to jail so it’s better to have him on my side than to watch those bullets fly.  There’s no hope left in my eyes.  I’m so tired of our fight.  During this time I’m doing a group at DAP and come to realize that I or no one has to live this way. Some days are so hard to get through and I miss some of that life.  Life is better now when I realize - I don’t have to fight.  I’m able to go out late at night.  My phone rings - I walk with my head held high. Knowing when I’m ready I’ll find a person who is right.  Someone who respects my boundaries and doesn’t hit to communicate. None of us have to live our lives in this kind of pain.  But from my own experience I had to leave when I was ready. 

 

Marilyn

This past spring in Alabama, Marilyn, was beaten in the head with a hammer by her partner. She was left for dead, but fortunately a neighbor found her and a friend helped her to quickly move to Minnesota. At the time, she couldn't afford to bring her three children with her and she left them in her family's care in Alabama.

 

Recently Marilyn came to the Pilot City food shelves and asked where she, as a battered woman, could find help. The staff at the food shelf was able to direct her to DAP’s Pilot City Advocacy Outreach Office, in the same building.  

 

The DAP advocate, Barbara, helped connect Marilyn with resources in her neighborhood. When Marilyn received word that her partner was due to be released from jail in Alabama, she asked Barbara for help getting her children to Minnesota, away from her partner, where they would be safe. Barbara was able to use a portion of DAP’s emergency fund to bring Marilyn’s three children to Minnesota. Marilyn is now reunited with her children, has just gotten a job and is beginning the process of finding housing for her family.